piniata

I was at a brit today. Nothing makes you want to write more than the holy union between God, Abraham, Israel and a baby that screams as if, well as if his penis is being cut.
Fricking hell. Is there anything more horrific. There is this baby lying in his crib:”I wonder if it’s time for me to open my eyes. Something fells cold in the down area. I wonder what tha…whoooohaaaa!”.
Why couldn’t Abraham connect with God through something simpler, like a Lance Armstrong bracelet. At eight days we would come, put a bracelet on a baby and then nash on some buns with pickles.
The Mohel’s name is David Tzhik-tzhak. Very famous around the religious Kibbutzes at the center of Israel. He’s the fastest Mohel in the west. You haven’t finished saying please God save us and he’s already in his Peugeot on his way to another still full foreskin customer.
As a non religious Jew I must understand. What’s the deal with the “oh God please save us” prayer before the Brit. Are they hoping that just seconds before the cut, God’s hand would come down and say to David “you can stop now. I’m here. You don’t need to cut him”. David would be bummed because than he wouldn’t be able to prove how fast he is (a man has to prove how good he is at his capabilities. After you learn how to put a shelf up you’d put shelves for bums on the street that only have their McDonald’s cup full of Shekels to put on your shelf) but there is nothing he could do. He gave God the option to save and God indeed saved. Hooray for God.
But the thing that seems to me as the number one bummer is that with one stroke of the knife you enter the world to the Jewish nation. Yes, all of us (well, most of us) are proud to be Jews. The long tradition, Mozes, Mezada, The six day war, David Brenner, it’s all good. But who would actually choose to be a Jew With all the Anti, the persecution, the guilt, the gefilte-fish? who needs it?. Wouldn’t you rather be a Christian sitting in Oslo who’s entire hardship is summed by an Elk obstructing his view of a fiord?
With one stroke and we send the kid into years of feeling bad about the girls he date and with an over concern for his mom. Years of obscure ceremonies (“Vayevarech Elohim et bnei Yisrael le’eeemor” two months of preparation for a five minute humiliation at saturady 6 am) and a nation that still yearns to be free but advertises Eilat as the vacation capitol of the world? Jesus. No wonder the kid is going to circumcise his own kid. Revenge. I wish God would save. But who can outperform David Tzik tzak.
Perhaps the best thing would be to give the child the possibility to choose. At age thirteen instead of reading a sermon about David and his morning surprise (I understand I was nothing more than your boy-toy but why did you take all the hair?) the kid choose if he wants a brit. But I know that then the percentage of those that choose to be Jews would be around five.”no, I can’t come play playstation. I need to ice my dick. Yeah. At least two more weeks”. It’s true that Muslims do it but they also find it relatively easy to convince its members that dying through explosions is the way to go.
Therefore I return to my previous point. A lance Armstrong bracelet. That way not only will the kid choose but with a doubt he will want to become a Jew. What kid would choose to be different? The problem will begin when dealers will start selling counterfeit Jew bracelets for half the price. But kids would identify the real one. Just like the kid who wears a pair of Livi’s. close but not quite cool.
p.s the kid that would get the original Jew bracelet for half the price he’s definitely a genuine Jew. Nothing better than jewing down people for the Jewish symbols.
p.p.s just to give a call out. If you decide on giving your kid a circumcision, no matter if it’s because you’re a good Jew or because it’s meant to give extra pleasure to the ladies, let a doctor do it. Hell do it with anesticia and the kid won’t even know. That will at least save step one towards therapy. Obviously therapy will eventually come. He’s a Jew. But he’ll only go back to his ninth day of living.